By Ralph Howe

It seems to be truth that “In a media age, we assume that...In a sea of competing messages, drawing attention to yourself is the one essential.” Based on this supposed truth we determine that more is better and that louder is essential. We talk, we preach, we teach, we counsel, we pray and yet, in spite of all the chatter, people apparently are not being transformed and often not even changed. Communicating is not happening because we have failed to connect first.

Today there is a tremendous amount of talking going on all of the time – television, talk radio, coffee shops, church meetings, worship services, fellowship times ... but there is, in reality, very little true communication being accomplished. We are not hearing each other. We are not really listening. We are not coming to understanding the other person. We are not connecting.

It has been said that “In every age, the truth is...amid countless rival messages, giving attention to others is the one sure way to be heard.” Here is the biblical truth – plain and simple. To be good communicators we need to be good listeners. We need to learn how to be attentive.

Attentiveness is not a passive quality. It is not inert receptivity. It is active participation in another person’s life – their world. Attentiveness in its highest form is empathy which is an attentiveness of the heart. Effective attentiveness is opening our eyes, our ears, and our heart to others. This can be a real challenge. In fact, simply being attentive to things around us can be tough enough. Add to that being attentive to the deeper emotions and worries of others we encounter on a daily basis (their heart) – we then have a real challenge. This type of listening definitely demands serious and active involvement of the whole being and can never be passive.

Jesus practiced this active watching and seeking. But it was more than a skill learned. It was a discipline practiced - an intentional concentrating of the senses.

As has been recorded, He “turned His focus toward people or details others overlooked – the tossed-out, unlovely, disease-ridden, and rejected. He approached the seemingly irrelevant and expendable with a thoroughness that bestowed deep value and dignity. He emphasized the small and insignificant.” He was attentive to everything and everyone around Him. He did not overlook the details of life – anyone’s life, no matter how insignificant society and others may have considered them to be.

He practiced effective attentiveness to a pint-sized tax collector in a tree, a housewife drawing water from a well, lepers and social outcasts, mothers seeking blessings on their children – all caught Jesus’ attention and received his unreserved attention.

“From first to last, attentiveness served as a wellspring of Jesus’ communication. Always active. Always thorough. Listening and noticing, picking out and discerning, observing and questioning, seeking and even feeling.”

A story is told of a woman who was taken to dinner by the great British Prime Minister William Gladstone. Not long after, the same lady dined with Gladstone’s equally famous political nemesis, Benjamin Disraeli. Asked later about the impression the two prominent figures had made upon her, she explained, “When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England.”

Benjamin Disraeli understood attentiveness. Attentiveness stirs us like nothing else in the world. It touches our deep longing for connectedness and intimacy, our ache to feel valued and to know that we are understood. Every person needs to be affirmed and to feel connected and valued. We all see attention.

Communication gurus tell us that “sincere attentiveness conveys genuine respect, concern, and value more than any other communication decision. When a person receives another’s whole-hearted attention, suddenly they matter; they have worth. In a very real sense, at that moment, they feel they have been brought into existence.”

That is why if you want to be heard you need to learn to listen. But, more than listen; you need to be attentive. This earns you the right to be heard.

What are the benefits to a communicator if and when they practice being attentive and listening from the heart and to the heart?

As communicators who connect, attentiveness sharpens our effectiveness by giving us the lay of the land.

As you practice the discipline of attentiveness you are being continually responsive to the unique, evolving particulars of the situation and the people involved when you are wanting to connect and communicate. This is true from preaching the Gospel to win the lost through to teaching the saints how to live a life pleasing to God.

Attentiveness is what enables us to discern which words and actions best fit the uniqueness of each situation. Attentiveness makes our communication alive (living) and responsive, capable of situation-specific creativity.

Attentiveness enriches our experience of the broader world as well

A posture of attentiveness makes experiences fuller and more meaningful. Every interaction with another person is an opportunity to learn. This nonstop inflow of knowledge, appreciation, and insight guarantees that the attentive person never grows stagnant. It removes assumptions and brings new ways to see old truths, discovering bright new facts and results in clear original thought. This enables you to then communicate creatively and in a relevant manner.

The world, life and ministry fight against this absolutely essential character trait that all good communicators must cultivate. Power, speed, noise, knowledge, activity, success, busyness and life in general still tug at our concentration. Urgencies and the worries of life crowd in. Self-interested thoughts clutter our minds and chatter on within our heads sucking our attention away from those we should be listening to with our ears, eyes and heart.

Thoughts about our plans for next week; our agenda; what we would like to say in response when it is our turn to speak; questions about when will it be my turn to speak; where am I suppose to be next? Merely desiring attentiveness will never be enough. We must, like any discipline, cultivate it. How do we do that? The primary and most crucial aspect is deceptively simple: WE MUST FIRST SEEK TO BE SILENT.

This is where this first trait of a good communicator becomes most difficult. To be silent demands patience and self-control. Journalist Fran Lebowitz noted, “The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.” And we don’t like to wait. In fact, we live in a world of “instant” and waiting is becoming a lost art. Waiting then can be painful. It requires more than just not talking. True silence involves an inner disposition of stillness (waiting) as well. This inner stillness is formed in solitude, reflection and prayer. In such times we manage to still all the inner noise and so can become fully attentive to not just the obvious but to what is less obvious. We hear more than the words being spoken – we are able to read between the lines.

So, silence, properly cultivated, prepares us for an attentiveness that goes beyond merely noticing details. We are able to touch the deeper, often-hidden realities of those to whom we listen. Our attentive silence on this level draws others to open themselves to us.

To move from inner silence and stillness to active attentiveness, like Jesus we need to develop a number of disciplines...

Make question-asking an art. Jesus often communicated by asking thoughtful questions. So, ask questions seeking to draw out significant thoughts and experiences from others so as to go deeper than normal surface conversations.

Sacrifice distraction. Multi-tasking ALWAYS diminishes attentiveness. Shut off the television, the radio, the cell phone, all text messaging and emails. Remove distractions so that you can be entirely focused and attentive – giving the other your undivided attention. Making these “sacrifices” shows that we are serious about listening.

Involve the whole body. Posture prepares us for and communicated attentiveness. Force your eyes not to wander; set shoulders square toward the person you are talking to; avoid crossing your arms. Stay focused and engaged in your body language.

Confirm your perceptions. You can misconstrue what you are seeing and sensing. So, confirm your perceptions by asking simple questions. “Are you bored?” Are you a little down today?” Ask for confirmation of what you think you just heard (“Do you mean...?”) or simply repeat back what you think you heard... “So you are telling me...?” This will convey that you are being attentive and really care, wanting to understand fully and accurately.

Cultivate attentiveness by taking special note of people on the margins. Jesus saw the “invisible” men and women of His day. The poor, the chronically ill, the ostracized. Look outside your comfort zone and “listen” to those on the margin. They will enrich your life and your ability to communicate. You will tell them by listening that they are important.

Learn to see. New learning increases our ability to see more clearly. This does not mean we are to learn to see better but rather “gain knowledge that will enable you to see more.” As we learn more about a person or a situation, the situation or circumstances, the life story of an individual – this new learning increases our ability to see and hear what they are really saying.

Express what you observe. Attentiveness means you speak out and express what you have observed. You miss many small details of what is taking place if you don’t do this. So, observe and remark on what you are see – the great service by a waitress, the smile of the sales clerk, the talent you notice in a friend, the improvement in performance of a fellow employee.

If practiced, these disciplines enable us to give ourselves wholly to each situation and person we encounter. We become attentive. A good listener who understands stillness. Over time this discipline will become a habit; habits become character; character becomes a way of life. Attentiveness will actually become second nature.

Having said that:

Attentiveness, more often than not, is most needed when it is least convenient.

Attentiveness requires sacrificing your goals, agenda, schedule, deadlines, and efficiency. It might mean your whole afternoon gets thrown off when you encounter someone starved for attention.

Attentiveness as practiced by Jesus means you find yourself going against what society values – efficiency, accomplishment, self-expression and planning.

Attentiveness can dramatically increase our capacity to influence others.

Attentiveness - real attentiveness can have but one source: a sincere concern for those with whom we communicate.

Only a genuine care for others enables us to value hearing more than being heard, to extend our focus beyond our own petty concerns, to prize the opportunity to know a person’s heart and open ourselves to experiencing what they feel. Upon this attentiveness is build and an effective communicator is birthed.